I was thrown into the world of Indian family names when we were planning for our wedding. Figuring out how to formally and informally address invitations to close relatives, distant relatives, family friends, and other acquaintances was definitely a learning experience. I asked a lot of questions and learned that there isn’t necessarily one “right answer”, and that spelling is often inconsistent. Now I’m here to help you navigate these customs.

Last names

Traditionally in Christian Malayali culture (I’m not sure if other parts of India or other religions follow this practice), the wife and children take the husband’s/father’s first name as their last name. So you end up with a family where not everyone shares the same last name. For example, if Thomas George marries Shali Abraham, she becomes Shali Thomas (not Shali George), and the children would be Jessie Thomas and Jacob Thomas.

How do you address an invitation or card to a family like this? We usually write “Mr. Thomas George & Family”. If the family shares the same last name, then it’s simply “The George Family”.

The practice of taking the husband’s first name is not as common in families that have moved to America. However some still do it, so double check those names! At our wedding we definitely had a few acquaintances who assumed that my husband had taken his father’s name – and we got some checks addressed to “Mr. & Mrs. [father’s name]”. Luckily the bank still cashed them!

First names

Further, many Christians like to name their children using Biblical names like Abraham, Thomas, Mathew, etc. – and these get cycled around as the last names as well (see above) – resulting in many of the same names used repeatedly which can get very confusing.

For our wedding, we had almost 400 guests (which is considered small by Indian standards), but many of the guests had very similar names. On the seating chart, we had to identify families not just by their name, but also their hometown, like this:

• Mr. Abraham George & Family (Yonkers, NY)
• Mr. & Mrs. Abraham George (Dallas, TX)

Having multiple names

It’s pretty common for people to take on multiple first names – whether that’s an Americanized name that they think is easier for other people to pronounce or spell, or a “pet name” given by the family that they use instead of their formal name, or sometimes- just a second name that they come to prefer for reasons unknown. My husband has several cousins that have 2 Americanized first names (one is their formal given name and one is the name they go by with family but it’s unclear why).

How to address family members respectfully

First and foremost, you always show respect to elders, whether they are siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, or even more distant relatives. You also assume that people are close to you, and address them accordingly. Cousins that are very close become like siblings, aunts that are very close become like second mothers, and anyone in the generation before you become “aunties” and “uncles”. When in doubt, “aunty” and “uncle” are pretty generic terms of respect that you can use for anyone, no matter their relation to you (and even if they’re not).

Below are some terms that are commonly used, but keep in mind this may vary from family to family:

• Older sister or close cousin: Chechie – as in “Jessie Chechie” or just “Chechie”
• Older brother or close cousin: Chachen – as in “Jacob Chachen” or just “Chachen”
• Older female: Auntie – as in “Jessie Auntie” or just “Auntie”
• Older male: Uncle – as in “Jacob Uncle” or just “Uncle”
• Older female who is close (like a parent’s sibling): Add “Mama” to their name – as in “Jessiemama”
• Older male who is close (like a parent’s sibling): Add “Chayan” to their name – as in “Jacobchayan”
• Much older female: Ammachie (grandmother)
• Much older male: Appacha (grandfather)

In addition to his grandparents on each side of the family, my husband would also call great aunts and uncles “Ammachie” and “Appacha”, respectively. That caused a lot of confusion among my family – How on earth do you keep everyone straight when they’re all called the same thing? Well, you just find ways to adapt – for example, on one side of the family they have “NY Ammachie”, “NJ Ammachie” and “Philadelphia Ammachie”. Other times they just refer to the person as “so-and-so’s mom” so it’s clear who they are talking about. And see the section on multiple names, which comes into play often. Somehow it just… works.

How to address others respectfully

In Indian culture, you address all elders as “Auntie” or “Uncle”, even if they are strangers on the street. This is pretty universally understood among all cultures, languages and religions in India. The only time this doesn’t really apply is in the workplace setting (in the US at least).